by Andrew Wantuck
Jeremy Hotz has enjoyed an outstanding career in stand-up comedy. He has had a 1/2 Comedy Central Special, appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and The Late Show with David Letterman. The reason behind his genius is being able to take everyday circumstances and put a spin to them that is uniquely Jeremy Hotz.
Andrew: What is your day like?
Jeremy: They kicked me out of a hardware store because I had my dog. The security guard said it would be fine, but then the check out girl said, as I was leaving mind you, “you can’t have the dog in here.” I didn’t react well. I said, “I have seen the people you let in here, I prefer the dog. Don’t worry we will never be back.” So now I’m a Home Depot man.
Andrew: Are you doing home repairs? Why are you in a hardware store?
Jeremy: I bought a new house, man! Then the housing market collapsed! Just my luck. Anyway, I’m putting in a linoleum floor.
Andrew: Are you planning to do it yourself?
Jeremy: Yes, until I finally give up and go, “I better hire a professional.”
Andrew: Have you bought some Time Life books to help?
Jeremy: No, I’m planning on winging it. I’m just going to lay some glue down, put the linoleum in, and then cover up the floor with a large washer and dryer. That’s my plan. I don’t think it’ll peel up with a 1,000 pounds of appliances on it. However, I’ll let you know.
Andrew: We have an election upon us, but by the time this gets printed it’ll be over...
Jeremy: I’m voting for Mrs. Butterworth.
Andrew: That’s probably a write-in candidate I’m guessing.
Jeremy: She is a write in, but she’s also smooth and creamy. Nothing scares a terrorist more than smooth and creamy. It’s true! Have you ever seen a terrorist? That’s why they don’t shave.
Andrew: (laughs) So, I know that you are a dog guy. What’s with that?
Jeremy: I don’t care much for cats. You only get cats when there is a chick involved and she brings a cat into the relationship and you fake liking it. It’s true. I grew up with dogs. ORCHARD SUPPLY HARDWARE! That’s what it’s called! I just wanted it printed in the paper that they kicked me out. ORCHARD SUPPLY HARDWARE! They don’t even get the words in the right order! It should be ORCHARD HARDWARE SUPPLY! They don’t take dogs, but you can buy a doggie door there. Nonsense! I should have had him shit in aisle three. You know what’s in aisle three? Fertilizer.
Andrew: Do you have a message when you are on stage?
Jeremy: Yes, I have. You know where the exits are!